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My life as I understand it will at no time be the same

My life as I understand it will at no time be the same

Having read 'Drink' by Ann Dowsett Johnston, I Have Realised So Many Things. My age is 47 years old now. I am making efforts to take on my normal jaunty, radiant face for the world but inside I am a complete jumble.

Drink' helped me face my drinking habits which has been an issue for a long time. It made me feel uninsulated which was really soothing. My abuse of liquor was not just "hereditary inclination" or me having no self control.....my utilization of liquor to comfort and maintain me originates from many issues throughout my life. Growing up was difficult - my father was a serial cheater, my mother had no self pride and overweight, unpopular me was left to feed for myself on most occasions. Emotionally, I was totally independent.


This might sound strange, but during my high school days, alcohol never appealed to me. In any case, I went to college at a prestigious school which prided itself on its academics....and understudies prided themselves on their capacity to party. My varsity days mark the commencement of my drinking habits and misdemeanour with the common negative outcomes notorious with severe alcohol use such as improper conducts, headaches, vomiting and loss of consciousness.


I discovered the only manner for a fat girl to have a sexual intercourse was to be drunk with equally as drunk boys.


I woke up one morning, stripped in bed with some person in a fraternity house in Montreal..... I recollect and it is really a ponder I didn't get truly harmed, wind up in a doctor's facility or plastered tank or pregnant.


Life advanced on - I turned into an enlisted nurture, acquired an experts degree and dated a pleasant individual. We drank wine on ends of the week when we were as one and at times amid the week I would buy a jug for myself.

Fast forward...marriage, .two pregnancies, both amid which I totally avoided, and did not miss it. But then as life goes on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed workaholic husband with infuriation problems.....wine on weekends turned into wine Thursday-Sunday.


My husband got addicted to a local "brew-your-own" so we had cases and cases of alcohol...and shortly a nocturnal habit to crack one or two... Privately, I started mixing my own alcoholic beverages and hiding the glass in my baking cupboard.

After a hectic day at work, I return home to face domestic chores, dinner plans, getting my sick child to complete the task given to him at school and at the same time ensuring my other child does his house chore; in the midst of all these the only thought lingering within me is the wine I will take later and when the opportunity comes I drink to stupor. In the mornings, first thing I do is check my I-telephone to see whom I may have unintentionally messaged while inebriated.


Strangely, it doesn't end there for a couple of years back I got entangled in an extramarital affair with a family friend. Luckily although I was in a very intense emotional affair with him, it never got physical, maybe a few hugs or being close with him occasionally at sport events, maybe you know the feels because I felt it was romantic, very intense and impacted my life drastically, but still luckily it never got physical I was on seventh heaven - all the time my phone showed a message'.oh the rush of feelings. Usually we exchanged texts late into night, at times in the middle of the night, while we were at duty.


I was more jovial than I had ever been. Soon the affair began to get intimate and suddenly out of the blues he ended it. I was very devastated, it was impacted me really hard and it increasing my drinking habit' I have been grieving the loss at that time.

The cocktails I have been mixed helped me to cope with the pain from the loss I experienced.

Every time I look back over my life, I feel so ashamed myself and to people around me. The drunken episodes:

  • Getting completely drunk last Christmas at a cocktail party
  • Squandered at my sister's 50th birthday
  • I randomly sent rant messages through my iPhone, I can't even control myself at that time.
  • Shouting fits in front of my children
  • Punching my better half in the face
  • An absolute screeching clash one night when my son had a friend spending the night as a guest

I am in advising which has been an epiphany.....plus perusing Ann's book and now finding this site and perusing comparable stories. I have a feeling that I am returning home.